You know it, I know it, anyone who's ever worked in retail, food service, or technical support knows it. Customers Say The Damnedest Things. It's part of their charm, really. We love to hate them. Their antics entertain us, and their density frustrates us. We scream, we cry, we laugh, we pull our hair out, and throw office supplies at our co-workers. But afterall, without them, to whom would we feel superior?

For your amusement, I give you...
Real Life Customer Quotes:

“My computer went down on me!”
~~Technical Support Customer
[Editor's comment: Hey, where can I get one of those??]

“Why don't they just make Windows compatible with everything?”
~~Technical Support Customer

“Whenever I energize [software application] I get this error message...”
~~Technical Support Customer
[Editor's comment: Thank you, Captain Picard.]

“Oh, you mean I have to click twice in a row to get it open?”
~~Technical Support Customer

“Why is it called the 'C' drive when you don't put CDs in it at all?”
~~Technical Support Customer

“I can't click on the icon on my desktop, this is a notebook...”
~~Technical Support Customer

“Get off my computer! Every time I turn on my computer, there you are..."
~~Technical Support Customer

“Don't you just have tech support? People that walk you through things?”
~~Technical Support Customer

“My billing address is, now don’t laugh, [street number] Hollow Butt Rd...”
~~Technical Support Customer

“I can't click control+alt+delete. There are only two buttons on my mouse...”
~~Technical Support Customer

(After being asked by a technician to send in a copy of a floppy disk) “Okay, what's your fax number?”
~~Technical Support Customer

“Two cheeseburgers, large fries, chocolate shake. To go.”
~~Food Service Drive-Through Customer
[Editor's comment: What do you mean I can't park here and eat?]

“I can't find the place on your web site to download a soundcard.”
~~Technical Support Customer

“You aren't a technician? You must just play one on TV...”
~~Technical Support Customer

“I just called the people inside my computer and they said my warranty has expired.”
~~Technical Support Customer

(Sent to support@companyname.com) “What is your e-mail address?”
~~Technical Support Customer

“[Company] don't know whether to scratch their watch or wind their butt.”
~~Technical Support Customer

(Submitted via an online support site) “How do I go into the Internet?”
~~Technical Support Customer

“What do you mean I can't install Windows 98 off this AOL CD?”
~~Technical Support Customer

(After speaking with a Representative for several minutes, and disliking what she was being told) “God, can I talk to an actual human being?”
~~Technical Support Customer

“What's a CD?”
~~Technical Support Customer

(After receiving error code 666) “You guys aren't working for Satan, are you?”
~~Technical Support Customer
[Editor's comment: No sir, he is working for us.]

“It may be of assistance to you to note that the problem has been cured by deleting all of my Cookie files. This was an act of desperation as when Spock jettisoned and ignited the fuel from his doomed Runabout, and my action like Spock's had the hoped-for result. One for your files, possibly.”
~~Technical Support Customer
[Contributor's comment: Yes, most definitely one for our files.]

“I want to install a scanner in my computer...I need to add RAM. Can RAM be downloaded directly from your web-site into my computer?”
~~Technical Support Customer

“Any help would be helpful.”
~~Technical Support Customer

“I'm trying to mount my database.”
~~Technical Support Customer

“TO GOD BE THE GLORY!! HE HEARD MY CRY!! AND CONNECTED THE DOWN LOAD.”
~~Technical Support Customer
[Editor's comment: AY-MEN BROTHA! PRAISE-uh JESUS-uh!!!]

“Correct me if I'm right...”
~~Technical Support Customer

“In the last week I have had two people tell me I needed to "refracture" my computer. I have had this one for 2 years and have never heard this term and certainly have not refractured my computer.”
~~Technical Support Customer

“...used to be the job wasn't done 'til you got the check in the mail, now the job's not done until you wipe your ass with the keyboard!”
~~Technical Support Customer

“The games in my head would rock your world.”
~~Technical Support Customer

“Hello, I would like to send you a Web Site Bug.”
~~Technical Support Customer
[Editor's comment: We don't need one, but thanks anyway!]

“Make the [product] box easier to open...I cut myself really bad while opening the box, and I think it got infected.”
~~Retail Customer

“Why is it so hard for an inexperienced user to find out how to send an e-mail?”
~~Technical Support Customer
[Editor's comment: Well, you've just answered your own question, haven't you?]

“You sent me a note saying that this mailbox is not monitored. I am sorry but I don't know what you mean. Please explain.”
~~Technical Support Customer

“I bought a copy of [software] and it is all Chinese. Can you help me translate it into English so I can actually use it?”
~~Technical Support Customer

“I have a "translate" (a fish) on my computer. How do I use it?”
~~Technical Support Customer

“I cannot type in web addresses on my URL.”
~~Technical Support Customer

“I am looking for a template for writing novels. Is there such a template? If not, how do I go about making one of my own?”
~~Technical Support Customer

“Just send me dynamite to blow up my computer, when I have these kind of problems.”
~~Technical Support Customer
[Matt says: We'll get *right* on that, sir.]

“I work as an independant software contractor and have worked with a comapany that is now shipping a version 2.0 product and is still doing only a DEBUG build. Is this legal? If not does [your company] ever prosecute such cases?”
~~Technical Support Customer

“PRICE CHANGES SUCK MY FAT A-S-S. YOU GUYS ARE GOOD - FOR ME TO POOP ON!”
~~Retail Customer

“Help!!!! I have Santa Claus on my browser...how do I get him off?”
~~Technical Support Customer

“I need to know my e-mail address.”
~~Technical Support Customer

“My computer is having trouble commuting with the printer.”
~~Technical Support Customer
[Editor's comment: If they can't get along, one of them will just have to ride the bus!]

“For the love of god, get out of my computer!”
~~Technical Support Customer

“Nobody likes uppity software.”
~~Technical Support Customer

“I am 70 years of age and now no longer believe in Santa Claus.”
~~Technical Support Customer
[Editor's comment: Well, as long as you still believe in the Tooth Fairy...]

“Who overviews the Internet? It's too wild on the Internet. Too much illogic. These are computer operators using the Internet!”
~~Technical Support Customer
[Editor's comment: Okay, it's getting too crazy in here, everybody OFF the Internet, NOW!]

“The Case of the Unejectable User. Gentlefolk: I have a problem in a certain file. If I try to open it, a window pops up saying that the file is already in use and do I want to make a copy. As I am the creator and sole user of the file, I infer that a ghost user has been created. This is unsettling, to say the least. What do I need to do to exorcize the ghost?”
~~Technical Support Customer

“I did not send you spam...I sent you Porn!!”
~~Technical Support Customer

“How do I get the CD tray to open to remove a CD?”
~~Technical Support Customer

“I bought a new CD-ROM last year and someone deleted it from my computer software. Is there a way to download to reinstall it from your site?”
~~Technical Support Customer

“Help! I deleted my Bold button!”
~~Technical Support Customer
[Contributor's comment: That's why I get paid by the hour.]

“I want you to change the name of the MANager product to PERSONager to remove the gender bias.”
~~Technical Support Customer

“I want Mickey Mouse to announce my e-mail, and he no longer does!”
~~Technical Support Customer
[Editor's comment: Of all the celebrities you could have announcing your e-mail...]

“I want to register on the internet.”
~~Technical Support Customer

“I wish I wish I wish I wish I was a fish.”
~~Technical Support Customer

“If I shut down my monitor after 20 min and keep harddrive on all time is computer still be downloading things I have on like music?”
~~Technical Support Customer
[Editor's comment: Uhm, for you? No.]

“It to go away. I hate it.”
~~Retail Customer

“Please let me know what strange voodoo ritual I need to perform to recieve assistance from your accursed company!”
~~Technical Support Customer

“And as it out does not see am I only thus which is there loosely please therefore over penetrating answer.”
~~Technical Support Customer
[Editor's comment: This clearness and simplicity I me am best in order to make, you try, therefore you understand.]

“...there is some files that is substitued by unrecognized stuff.”
~~Technical Support Customer

“How can I tell who the manufacturer of my computer is?”
~~Technical Support Customer

“My computer will generate errors with all .exe stuff.”
~~Technical Support Customer

“I don't know where I live now.”
~~Technical Support Customer

“A serious mistake has occured.”
~~Technical Support Customer

“When I poke the cell, it won't let me unpoke it.”
~~Technical Support Customer

“For all intensive purposes I cannot use my machine.”
~~Technical Support Customer

“You mean I'm responsible for paying my own bill?”
~~Technical Support Customer

“Contacting you people is an exercise in fertility.”
~~Technical Support Customer
[Contributor's comment: Sir, I assure you that we have absolutely no interest in helping you reproduce.]

“I think I hate the WW dot coms!”
~~Technical Support Customer

“I have no base when I play music, how do I get the base back?”
~~Technical Support Customer
[Contributor's comment: All your base are belong to us!]

“I get an error message 1068 - the computer does not recognize the dick.”
~~Technical Support Customer

(Customer to butcher) “How do I eat this?”
~~Food Service Customer

“I am not very experienced with editing the register.”
~~Technical Support Customer

“I need to axe you a question.”
~~Technical Support Customer

“I have 16 jigs of hard drive space.”
~~Technical Support Customer

“I'm on dialup, not cable. So it takes it awhile to boot up.”
~~Technical Support Customer

“I like to go to porn sites. Is that locking up my PC?”
~~Technical Support Customer

“This is my first time doing you guys.”
~~Technical Support Customer
[Editor's comment: It's our first time, too...please be gentle!]

“I don't understand why I need technical support when it ain't working.”
~~Technical Support Customer

“I put the mercy disk in.”
~~Technical Support Customer

“They mind wiped my computer.”
~~Technical Support Customer

“My words on the computer. IT HAS BIG LETTERS.”
~~Technical Support Customer

“Thanks for your great technical technology.”
~~Technical Support Customer

“My computer won't pop wheelies anymore.”
~~Technical Support Customer

“No upgradation was done.”
~~Technical Support Customer

“The screen resolution was burning my eyes.”
~~Technical Support Customer

“I had worms.”
~~Technical Support Customer

“It say my usher name is incorrect.”
~~Technical Support Customer

“Canadians, we have to return to Toronto and request you to cancel our account.”
~~Technical Support Customer

“If I could discover how to install a new ethernet adapter, I would be happy.”
~~Technical Support Customer
[Editor's comment: Who knew happiness was so easy?]

“The computer was moving in like, you know, a robot mode.”
~~Technical Support Customer

“I am computer illiterate. Moreover, at age 75, I am a certified curmudgeon and hard to please. Even good friends have said I'm living proof that Snow White and Grumpy got it on!”
~~Technical Support Customer

“I'm not real computer illiterate.”
~~Technical Support Customer

“My computer has the SARS virus.”
~~Technical Support Customer
[Editor's comment: This is why you are not supposed to work when you are sick!]